Psychology

The First Day I Went to Jail

/ Shirley Sorbello / 5 Comments

Six months after I graduated from Rutgers with a bachelor’s degree in psychology, I began my first “real” job as a social worker for New Jersey’s Bureau of Children’s Services.

“I want you to visit this seventeen-year old in the jail up the street,” said my supervisor.  “Her father signed an incorrigibility complaint—again.”

“Sure,” I said  as I tried to dismiss the thought that I’d accepted the wrong job. Coming from a conservative middle-class background, I had never seen the inside of a jail, let alone visited an inmate.

It has been more than forty years, so I don’t remember many of the details. What I do recall is being startled by the deep voice that came out of nowhere when I first entered the building, asking me why I was there. He buzzed me in after I responded, and I was led back to a room where I spoke with Janet (not her real name, of course).

This tall, dirty-blond young woman was amused by the fact that I was only a few years older and promptly called me “Granny.” I didn’t mind the nickname and as she talked about her life, I came to see a free-spirited girl who had been toughened by her experiences but who still managed to be kind and funny despite her dysfunctional family. I genuinely liked her and admired her compassion for others.

Over the next few months, we spent a few more times discussing her problems. It wasn’t long, however, before Janet turned eighteen and aged out of the agency system. I felt relieved of my responsibility to her, but at the same time concerned about a future with unsavory friends and no high school diploma. I never saw her again.

A couple of years later, a news article came to my attention. Janet’s murdered body had been found on the township dump—a young life tossed aside like a piece of trash. I wondered  if I could have helped her in some way avoid this ending, but came to realize that a few sessions with a young social worker could not have had a profound effect on twenty years of living in an environment of neglect, poverty and ignorance.

I can only hope that our times together helped in some way. Perhaps she made a couple of better decisions, or perhaps not. One thing I do know is that the experience of learning about a life so different from my own left a lasting imprint on mine.

Change

/ Shirley Sorbello / 4 Comments

     The necessity of change is difficult for many of us to accept. There is no doubt that sudden unexpected change such as the death of a loved one is devastating. Some are able to integrate loving memories of their dear one into a life that moves ahead. Others lead limited lives by failing to accept the unwanted change in circumstances.

     It’s often easier to accept less tragic, more gradual change, especially if you are younger. If you’ve lived more than a few decades you’ve seen numerous shifts in culture, ways of thinking and lifestyles. When we are young it seems easier to flow with these changes. As we age, however, flowing with change tends to become more difficult. When we get older, we sometimes nurture a desire to return to the safety or “sanity” of the childhood years, or the beauty and agility of our younger glory days. Too many past thoughts blind us to the present, and we fail to see and appreciate all that’s worthwhile right in front of us.

     A fully lived life necessitates a reasonable degree of adaptability. Accept the idea that nothing stays the same. It’s the only thing that’s certain in life. Learn to accept what you can’t change. If you have no control over the circumstances, there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t change other people, only the way you react to them. Moreover, if you are unhappy, take the necessary steps to make the changes you can control. Don’t allow anxiety and fear to dominate your actions.

     If you seek more peace and fulfillment in your life, remember to live in the present moment. Every second is precious; don’t waste time reliving the past or dreaming too much about the future. Being grateful for all the good things in your life presently, will bring you even more reasons to be grateful down the road. Flow through the rough spots and live each day fully. You can’t move ahead, or live your best life, with your head stuck in the past.

Getting It Back

/ Shirley Sorbello / 2 Comments

This is an article that I wrote as a guest blogger for Gilda Evans in April 2014. In today’s busy world, it is easy to lose oneself…to get so caught up in daily activites or the lives of others, that we forget what is most important – ourselves! A strong sense of self will guide you down life’s pathway to your goals and give you the strength and resilience to be available to others in a loving, healthy way.

The relationship with yourself is the most important one you’ll ever have. At birth, we know nothing other than to be our true selves and have little awareness of our surroundings as we begin to bond with those who care for us. Soon, however, we slowly begin to learn that we are not the center of the universe—that all of our actions are not acceptable and that not all of our desires get fulfilled.

Our self-image is gradually molded during our formative years. In childhood, parental demands and expectations begin to chip away at our self-concept. When we become teenagers, the desire to fit in often supersedes our desire and ability to be our true self. Some of us spend a lifetime trying to reclaim this birthright—the ability to be genuinely ourselves and to feel good about it.

Getting it back means taking a good look at yourself, pros and cons, and fully accepting “you” exactly the way you are. Recognize that you don’t need anyone or anything else to make you whole. Of course, this is easier said than done because we do need to have relationships with others. Too often, however, these relationships take too much away from us, and we lose more even of ourselves.

A healthy relationship is one in which two individuals, who are whole and complete in themselves, come together to delight and share in each other’s lives. These relationships are honest, supportive and loving whether they be friendship or romance. The fact is that you cannot be in this type of relationship fully with another until you first have it with yourself.

For those who need a little help, here are some tips to get you there:

1. Buy a journal or notebook and begin to write about your hopes and dreams, your feelings, your experiences during the day, etc. This is an excellent way to get to know and understand yourself better. You might even try writing a few love notes to yourself.

2. Make a list of your pros and cons without judging. Accept that this is the way you are and begin to love yourself unconditionally. Everyone else has their own pros and cons—no one is perfect. Stop comparing yourself to others; no one is better or less than another, just different.

3. Take note of what makes you unique and different from others you know. This is the treasure that you are meant to give to the world. Focus on developing and sharing more of your special qualities.

4. Take five minutes a day to look at yourself in the mirror and say positive affirmations such as, “I love and accept myself just the way I am.”

5. Remember to treat yourself as kindly and lovingly as you do the person whom you love the most. Take time out to be good to yourself. Make a date with yourself to do or buy something special.

Pathways

/ Shirley Sorbello / 2 Comments

After a recent trip to Cape May, NJ, I noticed that many of my favorite photos centered on this walkway from a Sunset Beach cottage to the Delaware Bay. Thinking back, I realized how I have always been drawn to photos of pathways.

Perhaps, the times I enjoy them the most are when I am examining my own life’s pathway. Following a new road can be exciting, scary, and wonderful. The uncertainty of it all can be very enticing. The opportunities it brings can be challenging and stressful. Nevertheless, there is one magnificent guarantee – it will bring change…change which is the driving force of life that frees us from stagnation and allows us to grow.

In Celebration of Introverts

/ Shirley Sorbello / 8 Comments

It’s time for introverts to stop feeling like they should be more like them…extroverts, that is. It seems like there are many more of them than us, or at least it did when I was growing up. I was encouraged to be more outgoing, speak up and, “for heaven’s sake, raise your hand more in class.” Research is now showing that there are differences in brain chemistry and in the way these so-called personalities respond to stimuli and recharge energy. Extroverts are energized by being around others while introverts thrive when they are alone or spending limited time with a close friend. Too many people, loud noise or constant activity drains their energy. However, there is no such thing as a one-hundred percent introvert or extrovert; the majority of people fall somewhere in between.

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Introverts, give yourself permission to be you—the deep thinker, the intellectual, the writer, the poet, the artist or silent creator who looks at the world from a place deep inside yourself. If you are happy in your world, don’t allow others’ expectations to be forced upon you. They may perceive your quiet tendencies as uncaring, rude or stuck-up. That’s their stuff, not yours (unless you really are).  The only reason that some people may call you out is because of their own emotional response to you. They worry that you are judging, or thinking badly of them, and that makes them feel uncomfortable.

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Parents and educators, teach your children, introverts or otherwise, to love and accept themselves as they are. A little person who is made to feel “less than” will waste years trying to measure up. Sadly, some go on feeling defensive about themselves their whole lives. Those who learn to appreciate themselves as children are more likely to embrace their full potential as adults if they build upon a solid foundation that celebrates their special talents and uniqueness.

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Introversion has graced us with many brilliant and talented people, i.e. Bill Gates, Abraham Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt, Albert Einstein and even, Christina Aguilera. It’s okay to be quiet—some of us need our silence and thrive within it. Don’t make us try to fit into a mold. That’s the quickest way to destroy our spirit.

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For more information :

http://www.medicaldaily.com/brain-introvert-compared-extrovert-are-they-really-different-299064

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201008/revenge-the-introvert

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-power-of-introverts/

http://introvertspring.com/blog/

http://www.fastcompany.com/3016031/leadership-now/are-you-an-introvert-or-an-extrovert-and-what-it-means-for-your-career

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/08/15/famous-introverts_n_3733400.html

Growing Older – Forgiveness

/ Shirley Sorbello / 8 Comments

The older I get, the less emotional baggage I want to carry with me, so at this point in life I have learned to pick my battles carefully and let go of those I no longer want to own. I have realized that some “injustices” need to be released because holding on to them is simply doing me harm, physically and emotionally. I value my own well-being more. It also helps me to remember that forgiveness does not mean that you have to forget.

In addition, my slowly-acquired awareness that the “injustice” says more about the perpetrator than about me, has allowed me to move on. Do I really want to “sink” to their level? Neither am I so quick now to “perceive” an injustice and attribute intention to another. I don’t really know what is going on in their head…perhaps it’s just my perception and they never intended it the way I took it.

I trust in my belief that God (the universe) is ultimately fair so why would I waste my time plotting some type of revenge? It will be dealt with in its own time and place. I am happier to live peacefully by focusing on the positives in life.

Photo credit: Copyright: <a href=’http://www.123rf.com/profile_sean824′>sean824/123RF Stock Photo

Your Story Does Matter

/ Shirley Sorbello / 5 Comments

I discovered the above metal plaque browsing through a shop in Punta Gorda, Florida back in April. It spoke to me so deeply that I knew I had to buy it and place it where I could see it often. It’s a reminder to me that what I have to say with my writing is worthwhile. It matters to someone and most importantly it matters that I share bits and pieces of me in my writing.

I believe it’s important for all of us to be aware that who we are and how we arrived at this point in life are crucial. Our stories and perspectives are unique because we are all as different as our fingerprints. This is the richness of our lives that deserves to be shared as we learn from and teach each other.

What is your story? Much of it is about the things that matter most in your life and why. They largely define who you are. Perhaps it’s an undeniable talent or a calling that directs you to a specific career or hobby. Whatever it is that characterizes you as your unique piece of the whole of humanity truly needs to be expressed and shared.

Why are you here?  Write it, sing it, create it, talk about it and most of all, love it. Your true essence matters to us all!

How’s Your Self-Esteem Doing?

/ Shirley Sorbello / 10 Comments

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         “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

                                            —   Eleanor Roosevelt

These are great words, attributed to a special lady. Do you believe this or do you frequently allow your self-image to be colored by the world around you? Are you aware of your own truth and goodness? Do you realize that what you think of yourself, good or bad, is always more important than what others think of you?

I truly believe that we all are born with a healthy dose of self-esteem. In our early years, however, it often begins to be chiseled away by normal childhood experiences. Dysfunctional parents, as well as the well-intended ones, contribute to this in addition to most school systems. During teenage years the desire to conform takes us a step further away from knowing and appreciating our true selves.

If negativity and self-doubt are allowed to gain a solid foothold, this snowballs until we are old enough to reflect back on our life and wonder what went wrong. Why am I not happy? Why do I always try harder to please others than myself? When will there be time for me?

If you find this happening, take a moment to reflect on your own self-worth. First of all, no one is “better” than anyone else. We are all different, but equal as human beings. What are your special gifts and talents? What do you like best about yourself? What are you doing when you are truly happy?

Most importantly, you don’t have to own anyone else’s opinion of “you.” What they think of you, is not your business; it’s theirs. Mind you own and appreciate yourself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Photo Credit: Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

Getting It Back

/ Shirley Sorbello / Leave a comment

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Last month, I was asked By Gilda Evans to be a guest blogger. This was another “first” for me which I was very happy to accept. I wrote a post entitled Getting It Back which discusses the most important relationship – the one we have with ourselves. I hope you will find it enjoyable and useful to yourself or someone you know.

Some Things I Wish I’d Known

/ Shirley Sorbello / 20 Comments

Sixty plus years into my life, I can now look back and realize there are certain things I wish I’d been aware of earlier.

For example, I know now that everyone does not see the world in the same way. Each person has their own filter—a combination of genetics and life experiences—that they view the world through. If you respect their differences as you do your own, your life will have fewer, futile conflicts.

Don’t get into a relationship expecting to change the other person to live up to your dreams. The best thing you can do for another is accept them just the way they are and support them in being the best person they can be. If you can’t accept them with all their perceived imperfections, get out of the relationship. It takes a lot for someone to change. More importantly, the person has to see the need and have the desire to do so. Most people don’t.

The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to learn to accept and love yourself. Do it in a way that celebrates your uniqueness, not in a superior way, but in a manner that respects others’ differences as equal to your own. If you can do this, others will never see you as “needy,” nor will you cling to a relationship that is not in your best interests. This usually takes a bit of time; some people never get to this point. It begins by realizing that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need anyone else to validate that.

Hang with people who uplift and support you. Let go of those who drag you down on a regular basis. Life is too short to spend time with those who drain your energy.

Don’t be too quick to judge. There is no way to know what someone is going through in their life. Appearances can be deceiving, and assumptions can lead you down the wrong pathway.

It’s okay if a relationship doesn’t last. I’ve come to view them as learning experiences, the toughest ones, in fact. Many teachers pass through our lives. When the lesson is learned, the teacher moves on. Be thankful for the time you had with someone you loved; breathe a sigh of relief when the person you didn’t get along with is no longer there.

Lastly, the most important one: it’s really okay if it rains on your birthday. Life is not perfect, but it does provide wonderful opportunities for growth. Put up your umbrella and make it the best day possible, always.