Self Help

To Flow or Not to Flow

/ Shirley Sorbello / 8 Comments

Butterfly

It’s happening again. I have an hour now to either write a blog post or do promotional activities. I struggle with this repeatedly, sometimes doing neither. For the most part, I don’t enjoy promotional activities. I can’t believe that someone who really loves to write truly does. Meaningful interaction with fellow writers, bloggers or fans is great, but it seems pointless to repeatedly promote my work on Facebook or Twitter and do all the other tasks that so-called professionals tell me I should do to achieve success.

I grew up driven, thinking it was important to have goals with carefully outlined steps to achieve them…maybe even a timetable. In some cases, this worked very well; other times the path was fraught with difficulty. I’ve noticed along the way that resistance, obstacles and delays seem to occur when the goal I’ve chosen, or the pathway designed to achieve it, may not be the right one for me. Or, it could be that it’s simply not the right time for it to happen.

I’m older now and have realized that often things work better if I relax and go with the flow. The original goals may adjust or even change, but the end results I am guided to are even better. I believe that in following the path of least resistance and doing the things that make us happiest, we are listening to the wisdom of our inner being, or the soul. Our inner self knows our deepest desires and what is best for us, even though we may not be consciously aware of this.

Sometimes ideas and thoughts need to be nurtured by the ebb and flow of life until they are ready to burst forth at the right time. As the amazing caterpillar transforms itself into a butterfly, it goes through a period of inactivity. In actuality, much is happening within the security of the cocoon. As with us, a powerful transformation may go on inside us during a period of quiet time or relaxation.

I am feeling happy that I’ve chosen to write this post and not spent the time on Facebook or Twitter. This tells me I’m heading in the right direction because even though it’s sometimes difficult, I find that writing brings me satisfaction unlike any other. It teaches me more about myself that often others find interesting or helpful.

I hope that some of you will reflect a bit and not feel that your time has to be filled with meaningless activities that someone else tells you to do to achieve your goals. If the “someone else” is your boss, you might want to consider another line of work. If the goals you have in mind are right for you, you will enjoy the path that guides you there.

Keep in mind that what is right for another, may not be beneficial for you. If your life is not moving in the direction you would like, it could be time to re-evaluate your goals. Spend some quiet time at home or in nature thinking about what holds meaning for you in life, especially meaning that celebrates your uniqueness. There’s a place inside of you that has all the answers…you have only to tune into it.

Photo Credit: Copyright: dagadu / 123RF Stock Photo

It Really Is About the Journey

/ Shirley Sorbello / 7 Comments

Recently, I haven’t been inspired to write on my blog or work on my next publication. I’ve been allowing the business of living to get in the way. When I took time to think about why this was happening, I decided that my focus on the goal of becoming an author, seemed to be interfering with the process of being a writer. The pursuit of the dream had become overwhelming.

It’s easy to lose the joy of writing when you follow the crowd into today’s insane world of self-publication. Who is giving you solid advice, or who is just trying to sell you a book or a course? Why are Amazon and Hachette in conflict? Should I take time away from writing to even care? How important is it really to have a platform? I certainly can’t “build” one without writing. Collecting followers on WordPress, Twitter, Facebook, etc. are often joyless, mindless activities that take precious time away from the art of writing, that for me requires quality time and inspiration. Using the time to build meaningful connections with a few followers is more important to me than the numbers. How often should I write on my blog? I want to write when I have something worth saying not just to do a prescribed, weekly routine post with little content. How important is the book cover? How do you resolve formatting issues? The list feels endless and overwhelming.

I realize that I’ve been through this before. Last September I wrote, “Why Do You Write?” I thought I had tweaked my perspective then. Why do I keeping forgetting that it’s more about my own unique journey than the goal? My path may not be the mainstream one, but it’s my own. When I am truly invested in this journey, there is comfort and satisfaction filled with wonderful and challenging experiences along the way. This is for me the “nuts and blots” of a writer’s life.

How often are you tempted to do something that everyone else seems to be doing and cast aside your own unique approach? No doubt, this struggle leads us to discovering more about ourselves, but does following the crowd bring you joy and fulfillment? Remember how good it feels when we tune into our “gut” feelings and go with our own unique flow? I’m going to never stop remembering (until next year, I suppose 🙂 ) .

Get the Boxing Gloves On

/ Shirley Sorbello / 4 Comments

For the most part, I enjoyed the time I spent as a therapist working with couples. It was rewarding to see that often all they really needed for a better relationship was improved communication skills. Of course, the tips I am going to give you only work if the two persons involved truly want a better relationship and are willing to work on it.

Many times when a fight begins, it quickly escalates into a shouting match. As both persons become emotionally wounded, it turns into a contest to see who can shout the loudest. The result is that neither person is actually listening to what the other is saying.

The first tip involves clarification. If this heated discussion is going to be productive, it’s important for both parties to understand what the other person is saying. Try responding like this to the first disparaging remark: “Are you saying I’m a fat pig?” The answer may be, “yes,” or the other person may back down and give some type of explanation that diffuses the anger.

The second tip revolves around the use of “I” versus “you” statements. “You this or you that” almost always is perceived as an attack and will incite anger in the other person. Use “I” statements to help the other person to understand how their thoughtless remarks make you feel. “I feel really hurt when you call me a fat pig.”

Remember, both people have to be committed to working on their communication skills to improve the relationship. If so, a dialogue between relatively mature adults could go something like this:

“You’re such a fat pig! Nothing I ever buy for you fits your fat ass.”
“Did you really say I’m a fat pig?”
“Well, yeah. You’re fatter than you should be.”
“I feel really hurt when you talk about me like that. I’m trying hard to lose weight.”
“I don’t like to see you so heavy; it’s not good for your health.”
“Are you saying that you’re worried about my health?”
“Yeah, and I feel frustrated when I buy something in the size you tell me, and it doesn’t fit you.”
“I’m worried about my health, too, but I feel like I want to eat more of the wrong things when you yell at me for being fat.”
“I’m sorry. I want to help, not hurt you. Why don’t we start taking a walk every night after dinner?”
“Okay, and do me a favor and take me with you when you want to buy me clothes so I can try them on.”
“I think we’ve got a deal.”

Photo credit – Copyright: cookelma / 123RF Stock Photo

Photo Friday

/ Shirley Sorbello / 2 Comments

I’m starting a new feature on my blog which I’m calling “Photo Friday.” Each Friday, at least for the next few weeks, I will publish a photo. Perhaps a photo that speaks to the heart will help us all to begin to unwind from the week’s busy activities. For those of us who are writers, an inspirational photo can inspire creativity. I know that when I look at something beautiful, I become more expressive and imaginative. Of course, what speaks to my heart, and what speaks to yours, may be very different, but we’ll see how it goes. Enjoy your weekend!

Madeira Beach, Florida Copyright 2010 Shirley Sorbello

Madeira Beach, Florida
Copyright 2010 Shirley Sorbello

Endings can be beautiful, too. What do you think?

Getting It Back

/ Shirley Sorbello / Leave a comment

10513513_s

Last month, I was asked By Gilda Evans to be a guest blogger. This was another “first” for me which I was very happy to accept. I wrote a post entitled Getting It Back which discusses the most important relationship – the one we have with ourselves. I hope you will find it enjoyable and useful to yourself or someone you know.

Some Things I Wish I’d Known

/ Shirley Sorbello / 20 Comments

Sixty plus years into my life, I can now look back and realize there are certain things I wish I’d been aware of earlier.

For example, I know now that everyone does not see the world in the same way. Each person has their own filter—a combination of genetics and life experiences—that they view the world through. If you respect their differences as you do your own, your life will have fewer, futile conflicts.

Don’t get into a relationship expecting to change the other person to live up to your dreams. The best thing you can do for another is accept them just the way they are and support them in being the best person they can be. If you can’t accept them with all their perceived imperfections, get out of the relationship. It takes a lot for someone to change. More importantly, the person has to see the need and have the desire to do so. Most people don’t.

The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to learn to accept and love yourself. Do it in a way that celebrates your uniqueness, not in a superior way, but in a manner that respects others’ differences as equal to your own. If you can do this, others will never see you as “needy,” nor will you cling to a relationship that is not in your best interests. This usually takes a bit of time; some people never get to this point. It begins by realizing that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need anyone else to validate that.

Hang with people who uplift and support you. Let go of those who drag you down on a regular basis. Life is too short to spend time with those who drain your energy.

Don’t be too quick to judge. There is no way to know what someone is going through in their life. Appearances can be deceiving, and assumptions can lead you down the wrong pathway.

It’s okay if a relationship doesn’t last. I’ve come to view them as learning experiences, the toughest ones, in fact. Many teachers pass through our lives. When the lesson is learned, the teacher moves on. Be thankful for the time you had with someone you loved; breathe a sigh of relief when the person you didn’t get along with is no longer there.

Lastly, the most important one: it’s really okay if it rains on your birthday. Life is not perfect, but it does provide wonderful opportunities for growth. Put up your umbrella and make it the best day possible, always.

The Perfect Child

/ Shirley Sorbello / 4 Comments

She died recently—my namesake that is—Shirley Temple Black. In the 30’s and 40’s she became America’s sweetheart and in later years was an ambassador to Ghana and Czechoslovakia. She was a bright, talented, precocious child. I certainly cannot fault my mother for naming me after such an outstanding personality.

For me, the difficulty came into play from the idea that she was the “perfect” little girl. In later years, my parents confessed to me that they wanted to have a perfect child. They indicated that they had criticized their friends’ children so often that the only child they planned to have had to be one that was beyond reproach.

Parents’ expectations of perfection, even unspoken ones, can put excessive pressure on a child—pressure that converts at the deepest level to never feeling good enough and fear of failure. Couple that with a good dose of criticism and you have a fearful child who develops self-critical beliefs. He or she strives to please to avoid criticism and can lose that important sense of their true self somewhere along the way. This child can become their own worst enemy as they grow into adulthood.

As I continue wearing my therapist’s hat, I say to parents to gently encourage your child to be the best they can be. Give them the gift of themselves by allowing them the freedom to explore who they are even if that is not the journey you would have chosen for them. Of course, be there for support and guidance, but allow them to make their own age-appropriate decisions whenever possible. Try not to live out your own fears or life dreams through them, nor push your own desires onto them. It is their life, and they are a gift in yours.

Despite these parental expectations and restrictions, I had a reasonably happy childhood. As an “only” child, I received much parental love and attention along with nice gifts on special occasions. It was perhaps more joyful and certainly more “normal” than was Shirley Temple’s. We all know now more about the unfortunate effects that childhood stardom often introduces by interfering with normal developmental stages. I remember a story my mother told me about Shirley’s mother fussing with her hair and not allowing her to do certain things when she was in public. It sounds like she had her own “perfect” image to uphold, at least while she was in the public eye.

Unlike Shirley, I grew up as a quiet, shy child who was often afraid that I would do or say something wrong. I didn’t turn out so badly, but sometimes wonder now in my September years if I could have accomplished so much more in life if I had not grown up feeling limited by parental desires and expectations.

I do, nonetheless, believe that everything happens for a reason. I have experienced many wonderful times and relationships in my life and have grown spiritually as a result of the more difficult ones. I have gradually learned to control my own perfectionism and use it more often to my advantage, rather my detriment. Had I been raised differently, all this might not be the case, nor would I be here writing this blog and meeting all the friendly, supportive people I have encountered on my writing journey. Actually, just between us—this is the life I’ve grown accustomed to… so at this point, I really can’t say I would have changed a thing.

Vulnerability is a Gift

/ Shirley Sorbello / 8 Comments

Sigmund Freud

Too often children are taught not to cry. “Be tough; don’t cry. You’re okay.” Maybe their feelings are hurt or they are afraid. Appropriate validation of his or her feelings and reassurance is essential for healthy emotional development. However, if those feelings are ignored or pushed aside repeatedly, it may teach the child to feel insignificant and to build protective walls. This can manifest in an older child or adult as overweight issues or addictive escapes into drugs, spending, alcohol, sex or even work.

Brene Brown

It truly takes courage for an adult to melt down those walls and allow feelings of human vulnerability. It requires being honest with yourself and others about who you really are; it short, it requires acknowledging and becoming your authentic self. To fully feel unspoken pain and accept it, is a catalyst for healing. In some cases, this may require the assistance of a therapist. Perhaps the comforting ear of a close friend or loving family member may suffice. At the very least, journaling is a wonderful outlet to release those secret feelings.

vulnerability

Truly experiencing joy requires knowledge and acceptance of the darkest recesses of your sadness and disappointments. If you are unable to be fully open to all of life’s experiences, you are depriving yourself of meaningful relationships and your deepest joys. Vulnerability is not weakness; it takes strength to be vulnerable in the face of your sorrows or shame. Weakness is not allowing yourself access to the full spectrum of human emotions. Truly, vulnerability is a precious gift that you give to yourself because only those who live with it can fully embrace all the beauty and joys life has to offer.

Additional Resources:
The Power of Vulnerability
How Being Vulnerable Can Expand Your World
Ten Journaling Tips to Help You Heal, Grow and Thrive

My Go-To Place

/ Shirley Sorbello / 14 Comments
The walkway at Riverwinds

The walkway at Riverwinds

It’s where I go to think things over and sometimes to write. For me, it’s a nearby place of inspiration and gentle breezes that stir the soul. Located in Thorofare, New Jersey, Riverwinds Community is bordered by the mighty Delaware River.

Behaving as a writer and not a photographer, I grabbed my writing pad rather than my camera, when my daughter unexpectedly suggested a visit during a recent day of Indian summer. I would have preferred that these photos came from a camera, but I have to admit that my cell phone did a half-decent job.

Early signs of Fall

Early signs of Fall

On a clear, warm day like this, I was reminded how good it felt to be alive as I glanced out over the river. At times, the soft sounds of the waves lapping at the shore were lost int the roar of the planes landing across the river at Philadelphia International Airport. Nonetheless, there seemed a strange sense of harmony between the solitude of nature and the intrusive sounds of a busy world.

Plane landing across the Deleware River at Philadelphia International Airport

Plane landing across the Deleware River at Philadelphia International Airport

Maybe harmony is the key here. Perhaps those times in the past when I came here for confirmation of an important decision or comfort for a troubling situation, it was harmony I sought and received.

A powerhouse of humanity - the Philadelphia Skyline seen faint in the distance.

A powerhouse of humanity – the Philadelphia Skyline seen faintly in the distance to the right.

Of course, some people still throw trash into the river. I was reminded of my post, Sad Signs of Spring from early 2012 as I looked down at the bottles on the beach.

Trash on the shores of the Delaware River

Trash on the shores of the Delaware River

So how about you? What do you do or where do you go when you want to think things over or need to relax and get away from the everyday hassles of life?

Are You Good Enough?

/ Shirley Sorbello / 15 Comments

good enough photoWell, of course you are good enough! But why is it we don’t always feel that way?

We come into this life packaged with a mixture of genes and energies ready to take on the world. There is no question at that point, that we are equipped to forge the trail of the life that lies ahead. So why is it that when we journey into adulthood we find that fears and doubt have crept in? It’s true that life repeatedly shapes us as time goes on and often chips away at self-esteem, hopes and dreams, allowing negativity to slip into the cracks. But some of those cracks did not begin in adulthood; they developed during the powerful formative years in childhood.

Well-meaning parents may have repeatedly sent us messages such as:

“Your dreams are fantasies that can never happen, they are silly.” The child feels, “I am silly.”

“Shut up; I don’t care what you think.” The child comes to believe, “There must be something wrong with my thoughts and opinions.”

“Why didn’t you get all A’s like your sister? You can do better.” The child who has already done their best believes that the world, as reflected by their parents, will never see them as good enough. “I can’t do well enough even when I try hardest, so why even try?”

“You have to think of others before yourself.” The child hears, “Others are more important than I am.”

Lastly, one of my favorites for children born back in the day, “This hurts me more than it hurts you,” as they are being spanked. The child internalizes, “Love must always involve some pain.”

Of course, everyone’s childhood is different and the effects of repeated messages vary, but the words parents say frequently to their children during the first ten years of life are critical in their developmental foundation. At the end of that period, the child has some scratches and chips in that positive, enthusiastic, loving spirit that was born into the world.

The child becomes an adolescent where conformity is the watchword. This is the period where children learn how to interact in the world with others and parental messages are not as acceptable as the mores dictated by their peers. Trying to fit in by dressing, talking and behaving like the “in” crowd often robs the adolescent of more of their already fragile individuality.

We reach adulthood and the messages continue. Just listen to how TV, especially commercials, portrays the “ideal” woman or man and how social media can crucify an individual because anonymity allows it. By now, though, we hopefully begin to learn that we do have choices in life and don’t have to be dictated to by anyone. We realize that society will respond to us in certain ways depending upon how we present ourselves. Face to face interaction encourages a more realistic appraisal than social media of how we fit within the world, but that is unfortunately becoming less common. Romantic involvements become fertile ground for recreating the unresolved dramas of childhood. Some of these relationships foster emotional growth that is positive in itself but comes at the cost of more injury to that strong and vital birth spirit. Death, divorce and disease happen.

Many of us later in life begin to realize that who we have become is not who we want to be. We may feel discouraged, that something is missing in our lives. We have lost our true selves playing the game of life. All that programming of the earlier years and the busyness of adult life has hidden our true essence. We may have learned to please others and become neglectful of our own wants and needs.

The good news is that at the core of our being, our true self still exists. It is capable of being found if you begin peeling away and letting go of the layers of guilt, inadequacy, and stress that you have allowed society to place upon you. Begin by realizing that your true happiness does not depend on anyone or anything else. It simply lives inside of you as the joy of your existence. This is what you felt when you were born; it is the true essence of who you really are. Spirituality and meditation can help you find it. If that isn’t enough, play back some of those positive tapes from your childhood. Not all parental messages are negative. My father used to say to me,”You can do anything anyone else can do, and chances are you can do it better.” The bottom line is that you are good enough; you always have been and always will be good enough to accomplish whatever you truly wish to do in life.