self discovery

Getting It Back

/ Shirley Sorbello / 2 Comments

This is an article that I wrote as a guest blogger for Gilda Evans in April 2014. In today’s busy world, it is easy to lose oneself…to get so caught up in daily activites or the lives of others, that we forget what is most important – ourselves! A strong sense of self will guide you down life’s pathway to your goals and give you the strength and resilience to be available to others in a loving, healthy way.

The relationship with yourself is the most important one you’ll ever have. At birth, we know nothing other than to be our true selves and have little awareness of our surroundings as we begin to bond with those who care for us. Soon, however, we slowly begin to learn that we are not the center of the universe—that all of our actions are not acceptable and that not all of our desires get fulfilled.

Our self-image is gradually molded during our formative years. In childhood, parental demands and expectations begin to chip away at our self-concept. When we become teenagers, the desire to fit in often supersedes our desire and ability to be our true self. Some of us spend a lifetime trying to reclaim this birthright—the ability to be genuinely ourselves and to feel good about it.

Getting it back means taking a good look at yourself, pros and cons, and fully accepting “you” exactly the way you are. Recognize that you don’t need anyone or anything else to make you whole. Of course, this is easier said than done because we do need to have relationships with others. Too often, however, these relationships take too much away from us, and we lose more even of ourselves.

A healthy relationship is one in which two individuals, who are whole and complete in themselves, come together to delight and share in each other’s lives. These relationships are honest, supportive and loving whether they be friendship or romance. The fact is that you cannot be in this type of relationship fully with another until you first have it with yourself.

For those who need a little help, here are some tips to get you there:

1. Buy a journal or notebook and begin to write about your hopes and dreams, your feelings, your experiences during the day, etc. This is an excellent way to get to know and understand yourself better. You might even try writing a few love notes to yourself.

2. Make a list of your pros and cons without judging. Accept that this is the way you are and begin to love yourself unconditionally. Everyone else has their own pros and cons—no one is perfect. Stop comparing yourself to others; no one is better or less than another, just different.

3. Take note of what makes you unique and different from others you know. This is the treasure that you are meant to give to the world. Focus on developing and sharing more of your special qualities.

4. Take five minutes a day to look at yourself in the mirror and say positive affirmations such as, “I love and accept myself just the way I am.”

5. Remember to treat yourself as kindly and lovingly as you do the person whom you love the most. Take time out to be good to yourself. Make a date with yourself to do or buy something special.

Pathways

/ Shirley Sorbello / 2 Comments

After a recent trip to Cape May, NJ, I noticed that many of my favorite photos centered on this walkway from a Sunset Beach cottage to the Delaware Bay. Thinking back, I realized how I have always been drawn to photos of pathways.

Perhaps, the times I enjoy them the most are when I am examining my own life’s pathway. Following a new road can be exciting, scary, and wonderful. The uncertainty of it all can be very enticing. The opportunities it brings can be challenging and stressful. Nevertheless, there is one magnificent guarantee – it will bring change…change which is the driving force of life that frees us from stagnation and allows us to grow.

In Celebration of Introverts

/ Shirley Sorbello / 8 Comments

It’s time for introverts to stop feeling like they should be more like them…extroverts, that is. It seems like there are many more of them than us, or at least it did when I was growing up. I was encouraged to be more outgoing, speak up and, “for heaven’s sake, raise your hand more in class.” Research is now showing that there are differences in brain chemistry and in the way these so-called personalities respond to stimuli and recharge energy. Extroverts are energized by being around others while introverts thrive when they are alone or spending limited time with a close friend. Too many people, loud noise or constant activity drains their energy. However, there is no such thing as a one-hundred percent introvert or extrovert; the majority of people fall somewhere in between.

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Introverts, give yourself permission to be you—the deep thinker, the intellectual, the writer, the poet, the artist or silent creator who looks at the world from a place deep inside yourself. If you are happy in your world, don’t allow others’ expectations to be forced upon you. They may perceive your quiet tendencies as uncaring, rude or stuck-up. That’s their stuff, not yours (unless you really are).  The only reason that some people may call you out is because of their own emotional response to you. They worry that you are judging, or thinking badly of them, and that makes them feel uncomfortable.

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Parents and educators, teach your children, introverts or otherwise, to love and accept themselves as they are. A little person who is made to feel “less than” will waste years trying to measure up. Sadly, some go on feeling defensive about themselves their whole lives. Those who learn to appreciate themselves as children are more likely to embrace their full potential as adults if they build upon a solid foundation that celebrates their special talents and uniqueness.

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Introversion has graced us with many brilliant and talented people, i.e. Bill Gates, Abraham Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt, Albert Einstein and even, Christina Aguilera. It’s okay to be quiet—some of us need our silence and thrive within it. Don’t make us try to fit into a mold. That’s the quickest way to destroy our spirit.

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For more information :

http://www.medicaldaily.com/brain-introvert-compared-extrovert-are-they-really-different-299064

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201008/revenge-the-introvert

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-power-of-introverts/

http://introvertspring.com/blog/

http://www.fastcompany.com/3016031/leadership-now/are-you-an-introvert-or-an-extrovert-and-what-it-means-for-your-career

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/08/15/famous-introverts_n_3733400.html

How’s Your Self-Esteem Doing?

/ Shirley Sorbello / 10 Comments

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         “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

                                            —   Eleanor Roosevelt

These are great words, attributed to a special lady. Do you believe this or do you frequently allow your self-image to be colored by the world around you? Are you aware of your own truth and goodness? Do you realize that what you think of yourself, good or bad, is always more important than what others think of you?

I truly believe that we all are born with a healthy dose of self-esteem. In our early years, however, it often begins to be chiseled away by normal childhood experiences. Dysfunctional parents, as well as the well-intended ones, contribute to this in addition to most school systems. During teenage years the desire to conform takes us a step further away from knowing and appreciating our true selves.

If negativity and self-doubt are allowed to gain a solid foothold, this snowballs until we are old enough to reflect back on our life and wonder what went wrong. Why am I not happy? Why do I always try harder to please others than myself? When will there be time for me?

If you find this happening, take a moment to reflect on your own self-worth. First of all, no one is “better” than anyone else. We are all different, but equal as human beings. What are your special gifts and talents? What do you like best about yourself? What are you doing when you are truly happy?

Most importantly, you don’t have to own anyone else’s opinion of “you.” What they think of you, is not your business; it’s theirs. Mind you own and appreciate yourself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Photo Credit: Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

To Flow or Not to Flow

/ Shirley Sorbello / 8 Comments

Butterfly

It’s happening again. I have an hour now to either write a blog post or do promotional activities. I struggle with this repeatedly, sometimes doing neither. For the most part, I don’t enjoy promotional activities. I can’t believe that someone who really loves to write truly does. Meaningful interaction with fellow writers, bloggers or fans is great, but it seems pointless to repeatedly promote my work on Facebook or Twitter and do all the other tasks that so-called professionals tell me I should do to achieve success.

I grew up driven, thinking it was important to have goals with carefully outlined steps to achieve them…maybe even a timetable. In some cases, this worked very well; other times the path was fraught with difficulty. I’ve noticed along the way that resistance, obstacles and delays seem to occur when the goal I’ve chosen, or the pathway designed to achieve it, may not be the right one for me. Or, it could be that it’s simply not the right time for it to happen.

I’m older now and have realized that often things work better if I relax and go with the flow. The original goals may adjust or even change, but the end results I am guided to are even better. I believe that in following the path of least resistance and doing the things that make us happiest, we are listening to the wisdom of our inner being, or the soul. Our inner self knows our deepest desires and what is best for us, even though we may not be consciously aware of this.

Sometimes ideas and thoughts need to be nurtured by the ebb and flow of life until they are ready to burst forth at the right time. As the amazing caterpillar transforms itself into a butterfly, it goes through a period of inactivity. In actuality, much is happening within the security of the cocoon. As with us, a powerful transformation may go on inside us during a period of quiet time or relaxation.

I am feeling happy that I’ve chosen to write this post and not spent the time on Facebook or Twitter. This tells me I’m heading in the right direction because even though it’s sometimes difficult, I find that writing brings me satisfaction unlike any other. It teaches me more about myself that often others find interesting or helpful.

I hope that some of you will reflect a bit and not feel that your time has to be filled with meaningless activities that someone else tells you to do to achieve your goals. If the “someone else” is your boss, you might want to consider another line of work. If the goals you have in mind are right for you, you will enjoy the path that guides you there.

Keep in mind that what is right for another, may not be beneficial for you. If your life is not moving in the direction you would like, it could be time to re-evaluate your goals. Spend some quiet time at home or in nature thinking about what holds meaning for you in life, especially meaning that celebrates your uniqueness. There’s a place inside of you that has all the answers…you have only to tune into it.

Photo Credit: Copyright: dagadu / 123RF Stock Photo

It Really Is About the Journey

/ Shirley Sorbello / 7 Comments

Recently, I haven’t been inspired to write on my blog or work on my next publication. I’ve been allowing the business of living to get in the way. When I took time to think about why this was happening, I decided that my focus on the goal of becoming an author, seemed to be interfering with the process of being a writer. The pursuit of the dream had become overwhelming.

It’s easy to lose the joy of writing when you follow the crowd into today’s insane world of self-publication. Who is giving you solid advice, or who is just trying to sell you a book or a course? Why are Amazon and Hachette in conflict? Should I take time away from writing to even care? How important is it really to have a platform? I certainly can’t “build” one without writing. Collecting followers on WordPress, Twitter, Facebook, etc. are often joyless, mindless activities that take precious time away from the art of writing, that for me requires quality time and inspiration. Using the time to build meaningful connections with a few followers is more important to me than the numbers. How often should I write on my blog? I want to write when I have something worth saying not just to do a prescribed, weekly routine post with little content. How important is the book cover? How do you resolve formatting issues? The list feels endless and overwhelming.

I realize that I’ve been through this before. Last September I wrote, “Why Do You Write?” I thought I had tweaked my perspective then. Why do I keeping forgetting that it’s more about my own unique journey than the goal? My path may not be the mainstream one, but it’s my own. When I am truly invested in this journey, there is comfort and satisfaction filled with wonderful and challenging experiences along the way. This is for me the “nuts and blots” of a writer’s life.

How often are you tempted to do something that everyone else seems to be doing and cast aside your own unique approach? No doubt, this struggle leads us to discovering more about ourselves, but does following the crowd bring you joy and fulfillment? Remember how good it feels when we tune into our “gut” feelings and go with our own unique flow? I’m going to never stop remembering (until next year, I suppose 🙂 ) .

Some Things I Wish I’d Known

/ Shirley Sorbello / 20 Comments

Sixty plus years into my life, I can now look back and realize there are certain things I wish I’d been aware of earlier.

For example, I know now that everyone does not see the world in the same way. Each person has their own filter—a combination of genetics and life experiences—that they view the world through. If you respect their differences as you do your own, your life will have fewer, futile conflicts.

Don’t get into a relationship expecting to change the other person to live up to your dreams. The best thing you can do for another is accept them just the way they are and support them in being the best person they can be. If you can’t accept them with all their perceived imperfections, get out of the relationship. It takes a lot for someone to change. More importantly, the person has to see the need and have the desire to do so. Most people don’t.

The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to learn to accept and love yourself. Do it in a way that celebrates your uniqueness, not in a superior way, but in a manner that respects others’ differences as equal to your own. If you can do this, others will never see you as “needy,” nor will you cling to a relationship that is not in your best interests. This usually takes a bit of time; some people never get to this point. It begins by realizing that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need anyone else to validate that.

Hang with people who uplift and support you. Let go of those who drag you down on a regular basis. Life is too short to spend time with those who drain your energy.

Don’t be too quick to judge. There is no way to know what someone is going through in their life. Appearances can be deceiving, and assumptions can lead you down the wrong pathway.

It’s okay if a relationship doesn’t last. I’ve come to view them as learning experiences, the toughest ones, in fact. Many teachers pass through our lives. When the lesson is learned, the teacher moves on. Be thankful for the time you had with someone you loved; breathe a sigh of relief when the person you didn’t get along with is no longer there.

Lastly, the most important one: it’s really okay if it rains on your birthday. Life is not perfect, but it does provide wonderful opportunities for growth. Put up your umbrella and make it the best day possible, always.

Are You Good Enough?

/ Shirley Sorbello / 15 Comments

good enough photoWell, of course you are good enough! But why is it we don’t always feel that way?

We come into this life packaged with a mixture of genes and energies ready to take on the world. There is no question at that point, that we are equipped to forge the trail of the life that lies ahead. So why is it that when we journey into adulthood we find that fears and doubt have crept in? It’s true that life repeatedly shapes us as time goes on and often chips away at self-esteem, hopes and dreams, allowing negativity to slip into the cracks. But some of those cracks did not begin in adulthood; they developed during the powerful formative years in childhood.

Well-meaning parents may have repeatedly sent us messages such as:

“Your dreams are fantasies that can never happen, they are silly.” The child feels, “I am silly.”

“Shut up; I don’t care what you think.” The child comes to believe, “There must be something wrong with my thoughts and opinions.”

“Why didn’t you get all A’s like your sister? You can do better.” The child who has already done their best believes that the world, as reflected by their parents, will never see them as good enough. “I can’t do well enough even when I try hardest, so why even try?”

“You have to think of others before yourself.” The child hears, “Others are more important than I am.”

Lastly, one of my favorites for children born back in the day, “This hurts me more than it hurts you,” as they are being spanked. The child internalizes, “Love must always involve some pain.”

Of course, everyone’s childhood is different and the effects of repeated messages vary, but the words parents say frequently to their children during the first ten years of life are critical in their developmental foundation. At the end of that period, the child has some scratches and chips in that positive, enthusiastic, loving spirit that was born into the world.

The child becomes an adolescent where conformity is the watchword. This is the period where children learn how to interact in the world with others and parental messages are not as acceptable as the mores dictated by their peers. Trying to fit in by dressing, talking and behaving like the “in” crowd often robs the adolescent of more of their already fragile individuality.

We reach adulthood and the messages continue. Just listen to how TV, especially commercials, portrays the “ideal” woman or man and how social media can crucify an individual because anonymity allows it. By now, though, we hopefully begin to learn that we do have choices in life and don’t have to be dictated to by anyone. We realize that society will respond to us in certain ways depending upon how we present ourselves. Face to face interaction encourages a more realistic appraisal than social media of how we fit within the world, but that is unfortunately becoming less common. Romantic involvements become fertile ground for recreating the unresolved dramas of childhood. Some of these relationships foster emotional growth that is positive in itself but comes at the cost of more injury to that strong and vital birth spirit. Death, divorce and disease happen.

Many of us later in life begin to realize that who we have become is not who we want to be. We may feel discouraged, that something is missing in our lives. We have lost our true selves playing the game of life. All that programming of the earlier years and the busyness of adult life has hidden our true essence. We may have learned to please others and become neglectful of our own wants and needs.

The good news is that at the core of our being, our true self still exists. It is capable of being found if you begin peeling away and letting go of the layers of guilt, inadequacy, and stress that you have allowed society to place upon you. Begin by realizing that your true happiness does not depend on anyone or anything else. It simply lives inside of you as the joy of your existence. This is what you felt when you were born; it is the true essence of who you really are. Spirituality and meditation can help you find it. If that isn’t enough, play back some of those positive tapes from your childhood. Not all parental messages are negative. My father used to say to me,”You can do anything anyone else can do, and chances are you can do it better.” The bottom line is that you are good enough; you always have been and always will be good enough to accomplish whatever you truly wish to do in life.

The Journey

/ Shirley Sorbello / 10 Comments

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When I began my writing adventure over a year ago, I believed I had some idea of what I wanted to do and how to approach it. The research I did into writing skills that others said were important showed me how to tweak my very basic ones. I think I finally even got the “show, not tell” concept although it took a while. A friend asked, “Who are they that say all these things? Stop spending so much time reading about writing and just write.” To a large extent she was right, especially after I had devoured parts of numerous books about the craft of writing. I really did need to spend more time writing. I learned it’s important to find your own voice, write from your heart and that my writing would get better and better with practice.

Okay, I was ready…well, maybe not quite yet. I spent considerable time reading blogs such as Jane Friedman’s about the fast-changing publishing industry. Self-publishing seemed to be the better choice for me, as I am older and would like to live long enough to see a few of my books and short stories in print, not spend my time waiting for other publishers to get back to me. What was going on here with all this reading of articles and blogs and so little writing? Maybe I didn’t have as much to say as I thought? Not really. I learned that my annoying perfectionism was still being fed by my insecurities about doing something new and unfamiliar to me.

Self-publication can be intimidating…so many choices and options and so much to read about it all. Who should I listen to? How do I format my work? I realized it’s now time to take some of my own advice about going with the flow, speaking my truth and following my own bliss. I’m ready to take the plunge by publishing my first short story in the very near future. It’s written and ready to go as I venture forth inspired by the words of Henry David Thoreau: “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” I’ve learned I do have the guts to learn how to do it and look forward to seeing my first short story on Amazon.

As has been said probably too many times, it’s the journey, not the destination that’s important. So as I progress onward to my goal of self-publication, I continue to learn more about myself…my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes and dislikes. In addition, I’ve learned that this whole writing pathway is not only one of self-discovery, but also one that I’m meant to share with others whose lives I may touch and who reach out a hand to help me along with their words of encouragement. What I’m discovering may not be exactly what I expected, but something even better. I’ve learned that a blog is an amazing avenue of self-expression where I meet warm and wonderful people even if I never publish anything else.

My Other

/ Shirley Sorbello / 2 Comments

Sometimes it’s hard to get in touch with our true essence…

I’ve searched for you all my life.

I saw your reflection in others whom I loved.

I reached out for you, but they weren’t you.

They were just reflections, passing glimpses of your essence, which left me feeling empty inside and alone.

I was, as an unrequited lover, inconsolable at times, and so lonely without a knowing of you in my life.

I felt you coming closer.

Now, I realize you are here.

You send me gentle waves of comfort and reassurance from somewhere deep inside my heart that radiate throughout my physical being.

I embrace the messages of your comforting warmth, your peaceful reassurance, your eternal love, as none other.

Come closer my eternal spirit, lets play together here and now as we become reacquainted.

As each day goes by, I know we’ll take more and more delight in our existence.

Together we are free, we are love, we are gentle, we are powerful; we are everything, and so will my life be, here and now.

You are perfect, as I now realize I am; no one knows the perfection of our soul better than we do.

No one else understands who we really are, nor do they have to; our knowing is enough.

You were always here, always with me.

I had only to stop looking outside of myself to find the dearest part of me, tucked deeply inside.