self-help

To Flow or Not to Flow

/ Shirley Sorbello / 8 Comments

Butterfly

It’s happening again. I have an hour now to either write a blog post or do promotional activities. I struggle with this repeatedly, sometimes doing neither. For the most part, I don’t enjoy promotional activities. I can’t believe that someone who really loves to write truly does. Meaningful interaction with fellow writers, bloggers or fans is great, but it seems pointless to repeatedly promote my work on Facebook or Twitter and do all the other tasks that so-called professionals tell me I should do to achieve success.

I grew up driven, thinking it was important to have goals with carefully outlined steps to achieve them…maybe even a timetable. In some cases, this worked very well; other times the path was fraught with difficulty. I’ve noticed along the way that resistance, obstacles and delays seem to occur when the goal I’ve chosen, or the pathway designed to achieve it, may not be the right one for me. Or, it could be that it’s simply not the right time for it to happen.

I’m older now and have realized that often things work better if I relax and go with the flow. The original goals may adjust or even change, but the end results I am guided to are even better. I believe that in following the path of least resistance and doing the things that make us happiest, we are listening to the wisdom of our inner being, or the soul. Our inner self knows our deepest desires and what is best for us, even though we may not be consciously aware of this.

Sometimes ideas and thoughts need to be nurtured by the ebb and flow of life until they are ready to burst forth at the right time. As the amazing caterpillar transforms itself into a butterfly, it goes through a period of inactivity. In actuality, much is happening within the security of the cocoon. As with us, a powerful transformation may go on inside us during a period of quiet time or relaxation.

I am feeling happy that I’ve chosen to write this post and not spent the time on Facebook or Twitter. This tells me I’m heading in the right direction because even though it’s sometimes difficult, I find that writing brings me satisfaction unlike any other. It teaches me more about myself that often others find interesting or helpful.

I hope that some of you will reflect a bit and not feel that your time has to be filled with meaningless activities that someone else tells you to do to achieve your goals. If the “someone else” is your boss, you might want to consider another line of work. If the goals you have in mind are right for you, you will enjoy the path that guides you there.

Keep in mind that what is right for another, may not be beneficial for you. If your life is not moving in the direction you would like, it could be time to re-evaluate your goals. Spend some quiet time at home or in nature thinking about what holds meaning for you in life, especially meaning that celebrates your uniqueness. There’s a place inside of you that has all the answers…you have only to tune into it.

Photo Credit: Copyright: dagadu / 123RF Stock Photo

It’s the Little Things

/ Shirley Sorbello / 6 Comments

Do you ever take the time to  notice and reflect upon an unexpected flash of nature?  A couple of months ago I looked out of my back window and was amazed to see petunias bursting through a crack in my pavers. How pretty they looked among the hard, gray stones that encased them. I don’t grow any petunias in my yard so that made this sight even more fascinating. It seemed like it was reminding me that beauty can be found anywhere.

Petunias

Recently, I came face to face with a hummingbird that paused in mid-air and looked directly at me for about ten seconds while I was sitting on my front porch. This amazing creature was only about twenty inches from me. That glimpse into each other’s eyes felt meaningful, like a reminder that all of God’s creatures are one.

While sitting on the same porch two weeks ago, I turned around and saw a huge, green praying mantis crawling along the sill of my front window. I stood up as he came close to my shoulder. Even though we are “all one,” I wasn’t sure that I wanted him crawling along the back of my neck. I went to get my camera and returned to find him climbing up the shutter. I hadn’t seen a praying mantis in a few years, let alone one this large. It is said to be a symbol of stillness and peacefulness. Maybe he was encouraging me to continue in the meditation practice that I’ve been struggling to make a habit.

Praying Mantis

Could it be that signs like these jump out at us when we get so caught up in our busy lives that we don’t take the time to feel or reflect?

An unexpected smile or reassuring touch from a stranger can brighten our day if we take the time to notice and appreciate it. A quick hug or kiss form a loved-one can do the same especially if we are not expecting it. Do we take the time to feel and appreciate the love in these actions?

The sky is filled with never ending hues of color and unique cloud formations. How often do we look at it or take the time to notice the gentleness of a breeze blowing across our face?

The world is full of love and beauty; we have only to take the time to notice it. Although focusing on it will not remove the bad and ugly that exists, it goes a long way in enhancing our quality and enjoyment of life, as well as bringing more of these lovely experiences into our existence.

It Really Is About the Journey

/ Shirley Sorbello / 7 Comments

Recently, I haven’t been inspired to write on my blog or work on my next publication. I’ve been allowing the business of living to get in the way. When I took time to think about why this was happening, I decided that my focus on the goal of becoming an author, seemed to be interfering with the process of being a writer. The pursuit of the dream had become overwhelming.

It’s easy to lose the joy of writing when you follow the crowd into today’s insane world of self-publication. Who is giving you solid advice, or who is just trying to sell you a book or a course? Why are Amazon and Hachette in conflict? Should I take time away from writing to even care? How important is it really to have a platform? I certainly can’t “build” one without writing. Collecting followers on WordPress, Twitter, Facebook, etc. are often joyless, mindless activities that take precious time away from the art of writing, that for me requires quality time and inspiration. Using the time to build meaningful connections with a few followers is more important to me than the numbers. How often should I write on my blog? I want to write when I have something worth saying not just to do a prescribed, weekly routine post with little content. How important is the book cover? How do you resolve formatting issues? The list feels endless and overwhelming.

I realize that I’ve been through this before. Last September I wrote, “Why Do You Write?” I thought I had tweaked my perspective then. Why do I keeping forgetting that it’s more about my own unique journey than the goal? My path may not be the mainstream one, but it’s my own. When I am truly invested in this journey, there is comfort and satisfaction filled with wonderful and challenging experiences along the way. This is for me the “nuts and blots” of a writer’s life.

How often are you tempted to do something that everyone else seems to be doing and cast aside your own unique approach? No doubt, this struggle leads us to discovering more about ourselves, but does following the crowd bring you joy and fulfillment? Remember how good it feels when we tune into our “gut” feelings and go with our own unique flow? I’m going to never stop remembering (until next year, I suppose 🙂 ) .

Get the Boxing Gloves On

/ Shirley Sorbello / 4 Comments

For the most part, I enjoyed the time I spent as a therapist working with couples. It was rewarding to see that often all they really needed for a better relationship was improved communication skills. Of course, the tips I am going to give you only work if the two persons involved truly want a better relationship and are willing to work on it.

Many times when a fight begins, it quickly escalates into a shouting match. As both persons become emotionally wounded, it turns into a contest to see who can shout the loudest. The result is that neither person is actually listening to what the other is saying.

The first tip involves clarification. If this heated discussion is going to be productive, it’s important for both parties to understand what the other person is saying. Try responding like this to the first disparaging remark: “Are you saying I’m a fat pig?” The answer may be, “yes,” or the other person may back down and give some type of explanation that diffuses the anger.

The second tip revolves around the use of “I” versus “you” statements. “You this or you that” almost always is perceived as an attack and will incite anger in the other person. Use “I” statements to help the other person to understand how their thoughtless remarks make you feel. “I feel really hurt when you call me a fat pig.”

Remember, both people have to be committed to working on their communication skills to improve the relationship. If so, a dialogue between relatively mature adults could go something like this:

“You’re such a fat pig! Nothing I ever buy for you fits your fat ass.”
“Did you really say I’m a fat pig?”
“Well, yeah. You’re fatter than you should be.”
“I feel really hurt when you talk about me like that. I’m trying hard to lose weight.”
“I don’t like to see you so heavy; it’s not good for your health.”
“Are you saying that you’re worried about my health?”
“Yeah, and I feel frustrated when I buy something in the size you tell me, and it doesn’t fit you.”
“I’m worried about my health, too, but I feel like I want to eat more of the wrong things when you yell at me for being fat.”
“I’m sorry. I want to help, not hurt you. Why don’t we start taking a walk every night after dinner?”
“Okay, and do me a favor and take me with you when you want to buy me clothes so I can try them on.”
“I think we’ve got a deal.”

Photo credit – Copyright: cookelma / 123RF Stock Photo

Some Things I Wish I’d Known

/ Shirley Sorbello / 20 Comments

Sixty plus years into my life, I can now look back and realize there are certain things I wish I’d been aware of earlier.

For example, I know now that everyone does not see the world in the same way. Each person has their own filter—a combination of genetics and life experiences—that they view the world through. If you respect their differences as you do your own, your life will have fewer, futile conflicts.

Don’t get into a relationship expecting to change the other person to live up to your dreams. The best thing you can do for another is accept them just the way they are and support them in being the best person they can be. If you can’t accept them with all their perceived imperfections, get out of the relationship. It takes a lot for someone to change. More importantly, the person has to see the need and have the desire to do so. Most people don’t.

The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to learn to accept and love yourself. Do it in a way that celebrates your uniqueness, not in a superior way, but in a manner that respects others’ differences as equal to your own. If you can do this, others will never see you as “needy,” nor will you cling to a relationship that is not in your best interests. This usually takes a bit of time; some people never get to this point. It begins by realizing that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need anyone else to validate that.

Hang with people who uplift and support you. Let go of those who drag you down on a regular basis. Life is too short to spend time with those who drain your energy.

Don’t be too quick to judge. There is no way to know what someone is going through in their life. Appearances can be deceiving, and assumptions can lead you down the wrong pathway.

It’s okay if a relationship doesn’t last. I’ve come to view them as learning experiences, the toughest ones, in fact. Many teachers pass through our lives. When the lesson is learned, the teacher moves on. Be thankful for the time you had with someone you loved; breathe a sigh of relief when the person you didn’t get along with is no longer there.

Lastly, the most important one: it’s really okay if it rains on your birthday. Life is not perfect, but it does provide wonderful opportunities for growth. Put up your umbrella and make it the best day possible, always.

The Perfect Child

/ Shirley Sorbello / 4 Comments

She died recently—my namesake that is—Shirley Temple Black. In the 30’s and 40’s she became America’s sweetheart and in later years was an ambassador to Ghana and Czechoslovakia. She was a bright, talented, precocious child. I certainly cannot fault my mother for naming me after such an outstanding personality.

For me, the difficulty came into play from the idea that she was the “perfect” little girl. In later years, my parents confessed to me that they wanted to have a perfect child. They indicated that they had criticized their friends’ children so often that the only child they planned to have had to be one that was beyond reproach.

Parents’ expectations of perfection, even unspoken ones, can put excessive pressure on a child—pressure that converts at the deepest level to never feeling good enough and fear of failure. Couple that with a good dose of criticism and you have a fearful child who develops self-critical beliefs. He or she strives to please to avoid criticism and can lose that important sense of their true self somewhere along the way. This child can become their own worst enemy as they grow into adulthood.

As I continue wearing my therapist’s hat, I say to parents to gently encourage your child to be the best they can be. Give them the gift of themselves by allowing them the freedom to explore who they are even if that is not the journey you would have chosen for them. Of course, be there for support and guidance, but allow them to make their own age-appropriate decisions whenever possible. Try not to live out your own fears or life dreams through them, nor push your own desires onto them. It is their life, and they are a gift in yours.

Despite these parental expectations and restrictions, I had a reasonably happy childhood. As an “only” child, I received much parental love and attention along with nice gifts on special occasions. It was perhaps more joyful and certainly more “normal” than was Shirley Temple’s. We all know now more about the unfortunate effects that childhood stardom often introduces by interfering with normal developmental stages. I remember a story my mother told me about Shirley’s mother fussing with her hair and not allowing her to do certain things when she was in public. It sounds like she had her own “perfect” image to uphold, at least while she was in the public eye.

Unlike Shirley, I grew up as a quiet, shy child who was often afraid that I would do or say something wrong. I didn’t turn out so badly, but sometimes wonder now in my September years if I could have accomplished so much more in life if I had not grown up feeling limited by parental desires and expectations.

I do, nonetheless, believe that everything happens for a reason. I have experienced many wonderful times and relationships in my life and have grown spiritually as a result of the more difficult ones. I have gradually learned to control my own perfectionism and use it more often to my advantage, rather my detriment. Had I been raised differently, all this might not be the case, nor would I be here writing this blog and meeting all the friendly, supportive people I have encountered on my writing journey. Actually, just between us—this is the life I’ve grown accustomed to… so at this point, I really can’t say I would have changed a thing.

Are You Good Enough?

/ Shirley Sorbello / 15 Comments

good enough photoWell, of course you are good enough! But why is it we don’t always feel that way?

We come into this life packaged with a mixture of genes and energies ready to take on the world. There is no question at that point, that we are equipped to forge the trail of the life that lies ahead. So why is it that when we journey into adulthood we find that fears and doubt have crept in? It’s true that life repeatedly shapes us as time goes on and often chips away at self-esteem, hopes and dreams, allowing negativity to slip into the cracks. But some of those cracks did not begin in adulthood; they developed during the powerful formative years in childhood.

Well-meaning parents may have repeatedly sent us messages such as:

“Your dreams are fantasies that can never happen, they are silly.” The child feels, “I am silly.”

“Shut up; I don’t care what you think.” The child comes to believe, “There must be something wrong with my thoughts and opinions.”

“Why didn’t you get all A’s like your sister? You can do better.” The child who has already done their best believes that the world, as reflected by their parents, will never see them as good enough. “I can’t do well enough even when I try hardest, so why even try?”

“You have to think of others before yourself.” The child hears, “Others are more important than I am.”

Lastly, one of my favorites for children born back in the day, “This hurts me more than it hurts you,” as they are being spanked. The child internalizes, “Love must always involve some pain.”

Of course, everyone’s childhood is different and the effects of repeated messages vary, but the words parents say frequently to their children during the first ten years of life are critical in their developmental foundation. At the end of that period, the child has some scratches and chips in that positive, enthusiastic, loving spirit that was born into the world.

The child becomes an adolescent where conformity is the watchword. This is the period where children learn how to interact in the world with others and parental messages are not as acceptable as the mores dictated by their peers. Trying to fit in by dressing, talking and behaving like the “in” crowd often robs the adolescent of more of their already fragile individuality.

We reach adulthood and the messages continue. Just listen to how TV, especially commercials, portrays the “ideal” woman or man and how social media can crucify an individual because anonymity allows it. By now, though, we hopefully begin to learn that we do have choices in life and don’t have to be dictated to by anyone. We realize that society will respond to us in certain ways depending upon how we present ourselves. Face to face interaction encourages a more realistic appraisal than social media of how we fit within the world, but that is unfortunately becoming less common. Romantic involvements become fertile ground for recreating the unresolved dramas of childhood. Some of these relationships foster emotional growth that is positive in itself but comes at the cost of more injury to that strong and vital birth spirit. Death, divorce and disease happen.

Many of us later in life begin to realize that who we have become is not who we want to be. We may feel discouraged, that something is missing in our lives. We have lost our true selves playing the game of life. All that programming of the earlier years and the busyness of adult life has hidden our true essence. We may have learned to please others and become neglectful of our own wants and needs.

The good news is that at the core of our being, our true self still exists. It is capable of being found if you begin peeling away and letting go of the layers of guilt, inadequacy, and stress that you have allowed society to place upon you. Begin by realizing that your true happiness does not depend on anyone or anything else. It simply lives inside of you as the joy of your existence. This is what you felt when you were born; it is the true essence of who you really are. Spirituality and meditation can help you find it. If that isn’t enough, play back some of those positive tapes from your childhood. Not all parental messages are negative. My father used to say to me,”You can do anything anyone else can do, and chances are you can do it better.” The bottom line is that you are good enough; you always have been and always will be good enough to accomplish whatever you truly wish to do in life.

No More “Shoulds”

/ Shirley Sorbello / 10 Comments

Madeira Beach, Florida
photo by Sherri Sorbello

 

What would your life be like if you could remove the spoken words or thoughts in your head that begin with “I should?” Sound good? Of course, we all have responsibilities that we absolutely have to honor, but unless it’s a matter of life or death, perhaps we can live our lives in a way that includes more of the things we want to do than we’ve been allowing.

Contrary to what many of us have been taught, it’s okay to put your own needs before others. Your  body, mind and spirit need to be nurtured and attended to first so you will have the energy and desire to assist others. It’s like they tell you on an airplane: put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting one on your child. Allow yourself the time for that nap, exercise workout, meditation session or on-line class.

Sometimes, what we think we should do, doesn’t really need to be done. If you’re a perfectionist like I am, you may find that you’re being too hard on yourself and wasting time on activities that really don’t matter. As I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed that some things, like balancing my checkbook to the exact penny, are just not worth my time.

Some of your “shoulds” may simply be habits, such as always doing the family laundry on Mondays and Fridays. Maybe you’d rather go to the beach on a Monday and you are feeling guilty that you won’t be home doing laundry.  Now really, which do you want to be doing? You’ll be a happier person if you allow yourself to become more flexible with your chores.

Other times, that little voice in your head is just an outgrown memory tape of things your parents said to you years ago. Is it still wise advice or just a reflection of their values and prejudices that hold no meaning for you at this place and time in your life? Be selective and listen only to what makes sense to you now.

When the next “I should” vs. “I want” dilemma comes up, try choosing “I want.” You will find that if you do this more often, you will generate more positive energy in your life and your world will become a happier place for you and those around you.

 

 

 

 

Follow Your Bliss

/ Shirley Sorbello / 2 Comments

 

Wine and ChocolateFollow your bliss…it’s a saying that is heard frequently.  What does bliss mean exactly?  I signed on to the internet to take a peek and found a general consensus among links that it is an “extreme state of happiness,” if nothing else.  Sound’s good doesn’t it?

What does it mean to you?  What makes you extremely happy, or even just happy? Of course, it’s different for each of us.  Start small if you’re having trouble.  Perhaps it’s eating some chocolate or a tasty piece of filet mignon.  I’m in for both of those.  Keep adding until you have a happiness checklist.  It could be spending time with friends or that special someone.  Maybe it’s a hobby that you get so lost in that you lose track of time.  It’s wonderful if  your profession is blissful, and you are doing what you love everyday at work.

So how do you follow your bliss? If you’re doing it, you already know.  Your days are filled with moments of joy and deep satisfaction. If you’re still working on it, then keep the checklist handy and begin to integrate more of these happy options into your daily routine.  I also use the “follow your bliss” concept when it comes to making simple choices like which housekeeping chore to do first.  If I do first, the one I dislike the least, I find the rest of them go easier and faster.  Of course, use it when making a big choice like selecting which house to buy.  Choose the one that makes you smile and sings to your heart, assuming you can afford it, of course, or it won’t be a blissful choice for long.

I’m for bringing more blissful moments into each of our lives, week by week, day by day, moment by moment, until “following your bliss” becomes a wonderful habit.  How about you?

Thoughts for 2012

/ Shirley Sorbello / 1 Comment

Change is upon us whether we like it or not.  We can be proactive and make it easier on ourselves or we can continue to react with negativity and fear.

We are seeing evidence of the change worldwide. Humanity is coming to terms with itself, looking into the mirror of human consciousness. It forces us to face our fears, our failures; look at who we are individually, as a family, as a citizen of a country, as a member of the world family, dysfunctional though it may be.

We are all in this together.  Many of the same societal trends we see in the United States are also in Europe and elsewhere.  Values have become skewed.  Kids are bullied worldwide because those who bully see so little of value in themselves. Homes and cars are often treasured more than family relationships and integrity. Greed is a monster lurking everywhere in the shadows. Political parties are on power trips.  They value their own party’s interest more than their own country.

The globe continues to be riveted with earthquakes, ecological disasters, volcanoes, economic collapses of institutions and countries, and wars.  2012 is here now. Some say it’s the end of the world, at least as we know it.  At the very least, it does seem to be a time of endings and new beginnings.

Whatever needs to change is smacking us in the face now. Such things as poverty, hate, greed, dishonesty, discrimination, hunger, abuse and war will no doubt continue until we seriously take a look at them, both as a society and as an individual.

Are we losing sight of the forest while climbing our own trees of righteousness and separatism?  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but thoughts and words are things. There are a lot of harmful ones floating around.  Just look at what the haters are posting on the internet, even about things they know nothing about and people they don’t even know.  Where does this come from?  What is going on in peoples’ own lives that fosters this kind of thinking?

We cannot survive alone, whether as an individual or a country.  We are all one.  What we do to another, we do to our own selves. Seeking the spiritual in our lives can put us in touch with the whole of human consciousness.  The path to spirituality is a personal choice.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s through a church community, listening to beautiful music, enjoying nature, or meditative experiences.  What’s important is that we reach a state where we feel at one with the universe; a place where we can feel love for the whole and most importantly for ourselves.  It is impossible to hate anyone else when we truly love ourselves.  Raising individual consciousness will raise the consciousness of humanity.  Life will become easier with an increase of positive, higher energy thoughts floating around the world.

Appreciation is a golden key when it comes to bringing more good things into our lives.  This includes appreciation of such things as love, friends, family, health, objects, opportunities, those annoying people in our lives, and most importantly, everything about ourselves.  Yes, I said, “those annoying people in our lives.” Why? They are here to teach use something about ourselves.  When we learn what it is, they are likely to go away or fade into the background.  There is something good in everything and everyone; we just need to look more closely to discover it.

It’s time to houseclean our own personal lives.  What’s really important?  What issues keep repeating themselves and need to be finally dealt with? A “wants” versus “needs” assessment is a valuable tool.  Many of the things we think we want will really not make us any happier.  It’s also time for an elimination of excess baggage, whether it’s things or relationships. Keeping around what we’ve outgrown, or no longer interested in, weighs us down.  Our inner world mirrors our outer world. If we can make our personal worlds more satisfying, loving and peaceful, then we will be better prepared to face the challenges that 2012 brings.